| The End. Happy New Year. |
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| 01:21am 31/12/2008 |
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mood:  numb music: The End- The Doors
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This is the end, beautiful friend[s]
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes... again
[...]
This is the end, beautiful friend[s]
This is the end, my only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
-"The End" by The Doors
Last time I posted with this song as a vital organ, I was saying goodbye to Rachel and hello to a new life without chains... a rebirth... now... Now I'm saying goodbye to my two closest friends. My two best friends who will remain my two best friends because I'm about to do the only thing I honestly think will keep us together, and that's moving out. I can't live in denial that everything is and will be okay. Not after what I heard tonight. Especially not after what I said last night. We're broken and only time and space can fix it. I hope they understand... otherwise... I've lost them... and they've lost me... I doubt I'll every truly be even remotely okay with myself if we're broken beyond repair.
I love you. I always will. Happy New Year, and Goodbye. |
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| Sing, sweet muse |
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| 12:42am 14/03/2008 |
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mood:  Inspired music: Jimmy Eat World
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Agh! I had that overwhelming feeling that pours over me sometimes when I feel especially connected to music. The Underture from The Who's "Tommy" kind of drove it out of me.
I'm standing in my way. I want to just make music. I'm the only one standing in my way. Where's my dedication? I know I've never had motivation except when it came to things I enjoyed doing, and I absolutely love to make and listen to music, and yet, I've opted to waste my time. I want to turn the volume up real loud and be lost again. I want to disappear and leave nothing but... wait, a spark... I've channeled inspiration... it was staring me in the face and now it's clear. If I am to write this symphony that's residing on the crest of a wave of inspiration... that comes to me in dreams and beats inside my heart when I taste the sweet aroma... Muse... If time is to be dedicated to music, what else is there to praise than music? I want blood. I want my ears to bleed like my heart. I want my soul on a printed page. In the air. I want to share what I hear.
If I sound like I'm high, it's because I'm high on music. Nothing else can compare.
I now have a focus, but do I have the follow through? I've never proven my endurance before, but it's time to stretch these legs. It's time to test those wings I once thought were wax. It's high. Fucking. Time.
Live now or regret. Peace the fuck out. |
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| 02:04am 11/03/2008 |
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Hmmm... real life's pretty rough and while I'm not a huge fan, I'm not really opposed either. I almost wish I had been a little better prepared for all this, but I'm also a little excited and scared to take it head on with what I have.
On lighter notes: I'm now 24 and I started recording again... one of my personal favorites: Memories Burn |
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| I couldn't sleep... but at least I seem inspired... ish... |
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| 03:48am 02/02/2008 |
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I'm surrounded by life
Some of it's great, and some is not
It's a cold hard strife
Sometimes I break, sometimes I do not
I've been searching for mere table scraps for ages
Still I can't unfold the torn pages of these maps
Submerged in my surroundings
And I can't see myself
The swirling colors now diluted
I'm sickened and disillusioned
I never sleep in the city
Cause all the tall buildings
Are hazardous to my health
I can't breath, the air's polluted
I'm self serving and my medicine's poisoned
Maybe I'll simply let it be, I'll leave it be
I've been searching for mere table scraps for ages
Still I can't unfold the torn pages of these maps
Eccentricities are flooding
And I can't blame myself
I wonder if a spell's been uttered
Nothing's real if nothing's questioned
I never sleep in the city
Cause all the tall buildings
Are hazardous to my health
I can't breath, the air's polluted
I'm self serving and my medicine's poisoned
Maybe I'll simply let it be, I'll leave it be
I've been searching for mere table scraps for ages
Still I can't unfold the torn pages of these maps |
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| All I got tonight |
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| 10:17pm 17/01/2008 |
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Looking back at a few lights on a black backdrop
A partial void mixed with fecal matter and dead ends
The road to success is a maze with two ways through
Conform or get lucky
It began with a bang
The bed sheets soaked
Silencing shouts came
With rebirth pangs |
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| 08:04pm 04/01/2008 |
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music: Around The World -Red Hot Chili Peppers
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I haven't posted here for a while, but no news is usually good news for me on LJ.
Things continue to be awesome with me and Katie. She decided that for my Christmas present, she'd take me to New York City for a weekend. I'm not complaining, but I'm a little stunned and there's no way my gift will come close to that. So... I'll be in NYC in a week.
Took a family vacation to the Dominican Republic for Christmas week. It was interesting... all inclusive resort... but it never felt like Christmas, I kind of missed it this year, funny how the Christmas with the most snow in five or more years my family decides to go to a beach... I love white Christmases.
I finished college for now. I haven't got my actual diploma yet, but I'm done with undergrad. Good riddance. I loved the people, but I'm done with a lot of that meaningless work and I'm glad to be out of that tiny city... it's smaller than Merrimack, how the hell is it a city? It feels good to be done.
However, I haven't had a whole lot of time to sit down and get my life headed in the right direction. I'm living at home without a job, without a car, and my grad school applications are due in a month. I'm working on a percussion ensemble piece, but it started out all wrong and I need to start it over again, but I just can't hear it right now, I haven't had enough time to clear my head. Basically, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
I feel almost lost, but it may just be my blurry vision. |
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| We're carving out our names |
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| 10:42pm 06/11/2007 |
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I'm getting older and yet I fail to grow up.
Sometimes I'm unintentionally an asshole. It bothers me greatly.
Random playlists can cut to the bone, or at least damn close to it.
I have too much homework to sit here and continue to type. It's in the dice rolls. It's how life goes. Everyday I decide if I play or not.
Don't worry, life's great, this is just a bad snapshot. It's framed all wrong, the beauty lies just off the print. Time to put the picture on the pavement and jump back in. |
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| 01:38am 15/09/2007 |
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Busy.
I just realized how much work I'll have to do to stay on top. Well, time to jump in, I supppose. |
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| Quick update |
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| 10:18pm 13/09/2007 |
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Okay, so it's been a while.
Long story short, I'm back at Keene for my very last semester here and I'm applying to grad schools for Fall '08. I have a wonderful girlfriend Katie, we've been dating for a few months now. I want to get the hell out of Keene; the people are nice, but this place and school is wearing me down. I'm still composing. I was approached yesterday with an offer to both play the main character in a 10 minute, black and white student film AND write/record the score for it. Life is good.
Usually, if I don't post here in a while, it's because life's going well and I don't think to come on here and vent, because I don't have much to vent about. So... ... ... back to the grindstone! |
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| Fun with words |
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| 12:54am 15/08/2007 |
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You can borrow my sorrow
Since my need depleted
No more trouble so subtle
In my strifeless life now
It's my gift so lift it
And when you blink you'll sink
But since my levy is heavy
The rising water won't bother me |
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| 12:39am 11/08/2007 |
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I miss Katie, even though it's only been a little over a week since she went to camp... *sigh* and this makes me not want to think about next semester at all... |
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| Motivation |
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| 11:13pm 06/08/2007 |
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music: My Sundown -Jimmy Eat World
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It hit me tonight, as I sat in the movie theatre bathroom: Why don't I have motivation? Since then my mind has conveniently wandered, making it difficult to post, because I keep getting distracted. Motivation seems to be that last chunk of the puzzle of who I want to be. I was going to say that it's the last piece, but it occured to me that it has multiple pieces. Some of it has to do with fear. I'm not afraid of success, I'm afraid of stress. I learned that I don't handle stress very well in highschool when I would get bad stomache cramps due to stress and crohn's. Instead of learning how to deal with stress, I simply avoided it. Since then, it's become so routine that I hardly even notice it, and turn a blind eye when it should slap me in the face. There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to deal with stress. I did fine the end of last semester when I had to bust my ass with work. I've proven that I can, but only when I absolutely have to face it. The rest of my lack of motivation is probably due to my lack of need of it. I've made it this far in life with very little motivation and seem to be fairly well rewarded. I've been content with what I get, so I never really bothered to try.
It boils down to this: I need to be more mindful of motivation and stress. I wanna be so much more than this. |
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| 11:55pm 30/06/2007 |
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I want to write some stuff that's completely different... or at least in a slightly different style. I've found that most of what I've written is similar, and that's fine, cause I like it, but now I'm getting kind of bored with it... that and I don't have much to vent about these days, so consequently, I haven't writen much... either that caused my current writer's block or the block is also why I haven't done much... either way...
This week looks like it will be awesome.
I've been having a bunch of little thoughts lately about completely random things. Some random D&D stuff like my characters, or a campaign idea... also these random lines of possible lyrics that never become anything more than that, or words I never use in my lyrics... just... random stuff... it's weird.
One last thing... I haven't hung out with a whole bunch of people I've wanted to yet this summer. How does this continue to happen? I know I tend to spend my weekends with Katie since she works during the week, but still! I have entire weeks to see people and it doesn't happen. It just seems weird.
Then again, I'm in a weird mood and everything seems a little weird, so... I guess I'll just go with it.
I meant to give an in depth update... I got sidetracked... next time maybe. |
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| Time |
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| 02:54am 26/06/2007 |
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My time is not going towards what it should. I'm wasting a good portion of it and it makes me feel ridiculously lazy... at least life is good... I just need to keep pushing myself... just keep pushing... now... I'm off to stop wasting my time... or sleep... whichever comes first... |
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| Quick update then bed |
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| 01:56am 11/06/2007 |
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mood:  exhausted, but it's great! music: Seasons Change -Tantric
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Exhausted. Weekend with Katie. Amazing. It left its marks. Went to Keene. Saw Jim, Faith, Megan and many more. Frisbee today. It was fun in the sun. But now I'm off to bed. Who's up for hanging out this week? |
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| Life |
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| 02:23am 04/06/2007 |
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music: Miracles Out Of Nowhere -Kansas
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( The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly )
And everything in between has been great. I need to be more productive, but I can do it. I will do it. Stay tuned for a song to download by the end of the week.
And I can't keep it in anymore. Katie's an amazing person, and wow... I like her a lot. Things with her have been progressing amazingly, and the ride thus far has been nothing but enjoyable. This is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever had. All is very well. I can't begin to explain how soothing having an actual, functioning relationship is to me right now. I am, however, still thankful for all those disfunctional relationships because they definately have me well grounded. It's a weird place I'm in, because I'm partially in awe, but at the same time it's not even a big deal... at all... which is a 180* from where everyone (myself included) probably expected me to be, but here I am *grin*. |
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| Craziness |
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| 06:47pm 02/06/2007 |
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mood: tired music: Tonight Tonight (acoustic) -Smashing Pumpkins
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What a crazy end of the week it's been... wow... incredible.
I'm frustrated because I don't have the drive to move forward in the productive things I should be doing with my free time. I'll get over it soon enough, but in the meantime... grrr... I just need to get over that hump.
Life is good.
Work tonight... and then we'll see what craziness Sunday brings. |
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idiosyncr4zy's journal
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